"every single human being has a mother" pg xv Introduction - universal connected-ness, shared experience, culturally maternal/mother symbolizes life, nurturing, unconditional love -YET the sadness of not having a mother (e.g., abandonment, imprisonment, death, etc) and how isolating it must be
In the era of #MeToo, what does it mean to be a survivor?
- For those who report, what are they risking? For Michele Filgate, it was her relationship with her mother. - she describes "relief in breaking the silence" pg. xvi of Introduction BUT also "deeply lonely about confessing your truth" pg xv. -Catholic school upbringing, "Good girls are quiet" pg 7. Since we have all attended Catholic school, was there anything that you didn't speak up about? Anything that didn't feel right but you 'swept under the rug?'
I agree that she was taking a risk by disclosing to her mother that her stepfather inappropriately touched her. She realized quickly that being honest with her mother would not change her situation. That's her sadness. That's her not really having a mother and feeling isolation and abandonment.
I think she felt "deeply lonely about confessing the truth" because she wasn't listened to.
Isn't that a universal fear? Not being listened to.
In response to your question about anything "that I didn't speak up about?" because of my Catholic school upbringing. SO MUCH! There was so much that I did not disclose to my family. There is still so much that I do not disclose to my family.
I hold personal beliefs that depart from the Catholic church teachings. I am afraid of risking my relationship with my Catholic family members if I talk about certain beliefs or actions.
I am afraid that being brutally honest would lead to "deeply lonely about confessing my truth."
I often wonder about what I would change if I could change anything. There's not a particularly easy way to answer that.....
This is so unbelievably cliched, but everything that has happened to me in my life has led me here. All the mistakes I've made or the frustrations I've endured have brought me right where I'm at. So if I look back to high school, to college, etc. and if I changed anything, would I get to be where I am today?
Let's say hypothetically that I had done 'Health Occupation" in high school, realized I enjoyed the challenge of a career in medicine, and went pre-med at U of I...... I probably would've been eaten alive at such a large university campus, whereas I thrived at EIU where I was the 'big fish' in a small pond. I was in Honors classes, had plenty of time to work/get paid and still excel in school, and had a good social life without compromising my grades.
Furthermore, without having had the experiences as an RA, I wouldn't have taken the sociology/social work/counseling aspect -> wouldn't have worked at a substance abuse recovery home or the health education resource center (good experiences which helped me in the healthcare I practice today). Without my experiences as an RA, I wouldn't have taken a summer internship at Mercer inevitably meeting my partner in life -> wouldn't have a supportive spouse who saw potential in me, encouraged me to pursue my education, and supported our family financially as I continued this endeavor (do you think any of my previous boyfriends would have done this? could have done this?)
All of that sounds very 'glass half full,' but my life isn't always so sweet. Maybe I would be happier without the stress, the sleep loss, the strain on my marriage. Maybe if you ask me this question in a decade, I'll say the thing I would change in my life is NOT going to med school. Who can say?
There is one thing that I can say definitively would have been more helpful along my journey....if I would have sought help for mental health issues sooner. I was 21 before I saw Kristi Kinney, and could've used talk therapy and medication much earlier. Now I can see that I hated myself for so long, and I sought love and attention from the guys I dated to validate me. My anxiety ruled me, and I avoided circumstances that made me feel uncomfortable instead of meeting new people, learning new things, or growing. To avoid feeling depressed/anxious, I rode out the 'highs' of manic phases- going shopping/spending money, having sex/climaxing, drinking alcohol/using substances- anything to give me a dopamine/serotonin rush and feel what I thought was happiness.
I struggle with all of this still and probably always will, but at least now, I have more insight and more resources to handle it. If I would go back and get help sooner, I hope I would have that insight and resources sooner, too. [wow, that was much longer than I intended....sorry for my musings.....]
Re: My Mother's (Gate)Keeper- The author is so completely biased in her portrayal that it further biases us as an audience. I compiled a list of words she used in connection with her father/mother, and here's what I have:
Mother- enduring, deprived, show affection, devoted, tending, energetic, friendly, and dutifully
Father- invasion, annoy, yelled, obnoxious, no shame, screaming tantrum, temper, volatility, narcissism, threatened. Only until pg 17 does she finally admit her father is 'intelligent' 'sometimes funny' and 'up on everything'
Her mother rebuts on pg 30 "You're him" leading me to believe that the author resents her father because they are too alike- she resents those parts in herself and/or she vies for his role within the family.
Also- there's one line that really stood out to me. For context, this is the mother revealing to the author about her relationship with her father, "I do think it's a healthy denial that allows my marriage to continue" (pg 28). How many 'healthy denials' are we living? Not only in our respective marriages but also in the world around us?
"every single human being has a mother" pg xv Introduction
ReplyDelete- universal connected-ness, shared experience, culturally maternal/mother symbolizes life, nurturing, unconditional love
-YET the sadness of not having a mother (e.g., abandonment, imprisonment, death, etc) and how isolating it must be
In the era of #MeToo, what does it mean to be a survivor?
ReplyDelete- For those who report, what are they risking? For Michele Filgate, it was her relationship with her mother.
- she describes "relief in breaking the silence" pg. xvi of Introduction BUT also "deeply lonely about confessing your truth" pg xv.
-Catholic school upbringing, "Good girls are quiet" pg 7. Since we have all attended Catholic school, was there anything that you didn't speak up about? Anything that didn't feel right but you 'swept under the rug?'
I agree that she was taking a risk by disclosing to her mother that her stepfather inappropriately touched her. She realized quickly that being honest with her mother would not change her situation. That's her sadness. That's her not really having a mother and feeling isolation and abandonment.
DeleteI think she felt "deeply lonely about confessing the truth" because she wasn't listened to.
Isn't that a universal fear? Not being listened to.
In response to your question about anything "that I didn't speak up about?" because of my Catholic school upbringing. SO MUCH! There was so much that I did not disclose to my family. There is still so much that I do not disclose to my family.
DeleteI hold personal beliefs that depart from the Catholic church teachings. I am afraid of risking my relationship with my Catholic family members if I talk about certain beliefs or actions.
I am afraid that being brutally honest would lead to "deeply lonely about confessing my truth."
This may not be the right forum but I would like to have a conversation with you concerning whatever you want to share about your past.
DeleteAfter reading 'My Mother's (Gate) Keeper,' I have a question for my mother. "What would she change about her life, if she could change anything?"
ReplyDeleteHandling stress better and being more intelligent. I’m so proud that both of my daughters are independent, intellectual, and strong women!
DeleteSending the same question to both of you, “What would you change about your life, if you could change anything?”
DeleteI often wonder about what I would change if I could change anything. There's not a particularly easy way to answer that.....
DeleteThis is so unbelievably cliched, but everything that has happened to me in my life has led me here. All the mistakes I've made or the frustrations I've endured have brought me right where I'm at. So if I look back to high school, to college, etc. and if I changed anything, would I get to be where I am today?
Let's say hypothetically that I had done 'Health Occupation" in high school, realized I enjoyed the challenge of a career in medicine, and went pre-med at U of I...... I probably would've been eaten alive at such a large university campus, whereas I thrived at EIU where I was the 'big fish' in a small pond. I was in Honors classes, had plenty of time to work/get paid and still excel in school, and had a good social life without compromising my grades.
Furthermore, without having had the experiences as an RA, I wouldn't have taken the sociology/social work/counseling aspect -> wouldn't have worked at a substance abuse recovery home or the health education resource center (good experiences which helped me in the healthcare I practice today). Without my experiences as an RA, I wouldn't have taken a summer internship at Mercer inevitably meeting my partner in life -> wouldn't have a supportive spouse who saw potential in me, encouraged me to pursue my education, and supported our family financially as I continued this endeavor (do you think any of my previous boyfriends would have done this? could have done this?)
All of that sounds very 'glass half full,' but my life isn't always so sweet. Maybe I would be happier without the stress, the sleep loss, the strain on my marriage. Maybe if you ask me this question in a decade, I'll say the thing I would change in my life is NOT going to med school. Who can say?
There is one thing that I can say definitively would have been more helpful along my journey....if I would have sought help for mental health issues sooner. I was 21 before I saw Kristi Kinney, and could've used talk therapy and medication much earlier. Now I can see that I hated myself for so long, and I sought love and attention from the guys I dated to validate me. My anxiety ruled me, and I avoided circumstances that made me feel uncomfortable instead of meeting new people, learning new things, or growing. To avoid feeling depressed/anxious, I rode out the 'highs' of manic phases- going shopping/spending money, having sex/climaxing, drinking alcohol/using substances- anything to give me a dopamine/serotonin rush and feel what I thought was happiness.
I struggle with all of this still and probably always will, but at least now, I have more insight and more resources to handle it. If I would go back and get help sooner, I hope I would have that insight and resources sooner, too.
[wow, that was much longer than I intended....sorry for my musings.....]
Re: My Mother's (Gate)Keeper- The author is so completely biased in her portrayal that it further biases us as an audience. I compiled a list of words she used in connection with her father/mother, and here's what I have:
ReplyDeleteMother- enduring, deprived, show affection, devoted, tending, energetic, friendly, and dutifully
Father- invasion, annoy, yelled, obnoxious, no shame, screaming tantrum, temper, volatility, narcissism, threatened. Only until pg 17 does she finally admit her father is 'intelligent' 'sometimes funny' and 'up on everything'
Her mother rebuts on pg 30 "You're him" leading me to believe that the author resents her father because they are too alike- she resents those parts in herself and/or she vies for his role within the family.
Also- there's one line that really stood out to me. For context, this is the mother revealing to the author about her relationship with her father, "I do think it's a healthy denial that allows my marriage to continue" (pg 28). How many 'healthy denials' are we living? Not only in our respective marriages but also in the world around us?